Monday, November 14, 2016

Checking In

I've gotten so busy with moving things, and getting the place ready that i'm moving into. Over the course of a few months i've changed many plans, gone through really hard situations, have grown, and have been hindered. 

My fiance and I have been trying to move everything into either our storage unit or his house to prepare for my move. Since my last post i've been able to go through some of my boxes that were scattered through out the house, and I was able to throw away at least a box worth. I will be more brutal later on when we get settled down. 

A lot has happened emotionally over the passed few weeks. I've gone through a lot of pain. I've clung to someones rotting dead body for a few years now hoping to bring them back to life. There rotting corpse begun to taint my healthy body, creating sores on my arms, and legs. These sores became infected, and it began to systematically spread through out my body. The smell of the body was horrible, and the flies laid maggots inside the body. I tried to prevent birds from picking at the body, feasting on the flesh. Apparently I had been clinging on to the body for a few years, and I didn't realize what it was doing to my body until I was able to release my self from it. Now that I am away from the body and turned toward Jesus, I have begun to heal. Several times i've wanted to get back down on the ground again and cling to that dead body. I wanted to believe it was alive. I had to let it go. It was killing me. Only God can resurrect it. I can only pray. I remind my self everyday not to go back to the body.

Sin is nasty,
Sin is poison,
For years i've been told. I didn't understand. Now I do. It poisons every fiber of its victims soul. Traps them in chains of burden, guilt, anger, and addiction. They can never move on until they give there sin up to God. They can not control it their selves nor can the ones who love them. I fought for them, i've cried for them, I began to kill my self for them, but they never turned away from it. Maybe for only a short period of time, but they just went back and continued there destructive sin. Broken promises, broken relationships is the result of sin. I love this person, so much. But I had to let go. They were going down to the grave, and they were bringing me with them. I trust God will help me with this process of letting go, and moving on. I will cling to the hope that God may one day heal them, but I will not cling to them any longer. I love you, I always will. When you are ready, I will be here. Just know, I will know when you are being genuine or fake. God is the only one that can rid you of your sin. You can not do it on your own. He is the only one that can save you from it. 

Monday, October 10, 2016

My Journey To a New Perspective About Material Items

     I finally got my camera almost 2 weeks ago. I've been recording, editing, and posting videos on YouTube. My 21 day fix has been put on halt because I literally had to scrape by with about 20 dollars for the past 2 weeks. In this small amount of time I have realized that I don't need a large amount of money or material items to scrape by on a day to day basis. My perspective began to change when I moved into my original very small room again, and I have put the majority of my belongings in a storage unit, and the others are in boxes through out the house. I haven't been going through the boxes needing things either, I mean, I have a little. But most of the stuff I own, I don't use. I have come to realize that most of the stuff I own that are in the boxes in my house are sentimental. I barely even remember what I have in those boxes. Let me give you some background to the perspective I have had since I could walk. Hold on to things, don't ever let go. I invested my emotions and attachments in my toys. If I threw something away or even thought about it I was struck with guilt as if I was dumping a best friend. I had very strong emotions for my toys. Eventually I accumulated so many toys that I had two large toy boxes full of my toys. My room was a mess, and I would rarely clean it up. It got to the point where one of my parental figures would go through my room and toss out the toys that they thought I didn't care for anymore, but a little girl like me still cared for them, as if they were old friends if mine. I thought this attachment I had for my toys was normal, until I have been able to watch my nieces and nephews, and watch there reactions to when there toys break, or are taken away. There reactions aren't the same as mine were. One of my parental figures (I will not mention there name or gender, because I want to protect this individual) was quite distant compared to other parental figures. Yes, they loved me, and love me as much as they can love. This person also does not easily let go of things, they hold on to things that seem like junk and crap to others. The behavior they show, is learned from there parental figure. I don't think they can help it, because they thought it was normal. Not until they figure out that it wasn't normal, and look at there own behavior only then they can change their behavior. Why would someone throw away something they've known there whole life, that they've used every day, if they didn't know it wasn't acceptable? What if for example, a group of individuals in the amazon have arranged marriages, a couple of children are predestined by there family for marriage around the time pubescent age; and this is how couples are to be married, and reproduce. This activity is accepted in their culture. This is right in their own eyes. Now in a culture in which we Americans live in, this practice is not common, and it isn't accepted. Because to us it is not "normal", and can be considered taboo.
     The behavior my parental figure has practiced is not accepted as "normal" to the general public. I feel one must come to their own conclusions about what is "normal" and accepted, to what is not. I have come to accept it as not "normal" behavior. Behavior that I do not want to repeat, and behavior that I currently do practice. I do not like this behavior, and I feel that it is not healthy for me emotionally, mentally, and maybe if it got worse, physically. I feel that it is best for me as an individual to not accept this behavior, and turn away from it.
    I've mentioned that I practice the behavior my parental figure has practiced. I will hold on to things even though they don't have any logical practical application to my every day life. The only reason why I do not want to let it go is for emotional stability. Let me give you some perspective/insight. I've gone through my old toys in the attic a few years back, and when I was picking through my toys, I saw a toy, and I remembered a old forgotten memory. This toy was actually able to trigger a old forgotten memory that may have never come back to me if I didn't have that old toy. The fear of forgetting your past is a strong fear for individuals like me i'm sure. Though, I have not actually thought about throwing my toys out at all. I'm not sure if i'd ever be ready for that, nor i'm not sure if I really need to, since they only really fill a box worth.
    But what I have thought about doing, is going through my boxes through out the house, and seeing what I need to throw away. I have many, many papers worth of old school work, sketches, stories, poems, and I don't know what else. I literally have not looked through those boxes in the past 2 years at least. Which means, I really don't need them. I do know, that I have at least 2 large boxes of books that i've collected over the years of living; those I also need to go through and throw out the ones that I can bare to throw out. When I begin to throw out things, I always begin to think, someone else can use this, and then I start a bag of those things, and forget to give it to a good will, I never actually complete that next step. Then I would forget why those things are in a bag, and just put it back where they were.
    My perspective hasn't only just changed because of me moving into my old room again but it began to change since high school. Something happened in my best friends family, and he had to move to something much smaller then what he was used to. He was forced to rid of most of his child hood belongings. I wasn't aware at the time what was actually going on, and I don't know how he reacted when he had to get rid of most of it. But, I do know that he still to this day doesn't have a lot of "stuff", and he generally keeps everything in his possession organized, and on a need or really want basis. He even organized his closet by shirt color. This behavior that he has exhibited apparently has a large role in how i've begun to shape my perspective.
   Since i've begun to do research on small apartments/studios, i've found out that humans really don't need a lot to survive and be happy. YouTube has really helped me in the beginning of this journey. It has given me a perspective that I did not know would of existed with out it.
   More to come in this same post. Need to go to work.

Saturday, September 24, 2016

Quick Update!

I just created a YouTube channel, linked below

Wednesday, September 21, 2016

Starting the 21 Day Fix... Again!

     Yesterday I went grocery shopping for the 21 day fix. I wasn't able to get everything at the store that I needed, so i'm going to Walmart probably later today to get that. Today is the first day starting the 21 day fix again. I weighed my self yesterday and I weighed 143 lbs, and 31.6 body fat. So yes I did gain some weight when I stopped, I was roughly at 141 lbs. But it's good news because it means that I don't gain weight that fast. Right now as i'm writing this i'm eating Salad (1 green container) with tuna (1 red container).

I have not worked on my bedroom since I last wrote mainly because we've been busy with hanging out in Medford getting stuff done for our wedding, etc. A bit ago though, it started raining (despite the fact that it hasn't rained since before summer!!! >.<) and my stuff that I had put outside from the bedroom was getting all wet, I had to rush and get everything under cover. The carpet that I have is still sitting out there though, but I think it will be okay for now. It's rolled up. Here are pictures of the room with the old carpet still there, and the carpet that's outside.

     So, I am super excited, I may be getting a dslr--> Canon 80D. I've been wanting to start up my YouTube channel again and I love photography. I wanted to find a camera that can do both really well, and i've found that the 80D can do just that! I want to start vlogging, and make creative videos for YouTube. That's another reason why I started blogging here, so I can get my mind and audience prepared for what is to come.

Monday, September 19, 2016

Not Just About Health

New beginnings of a healthier lifestyle isn't just going to be about health, but about my general overall knowledge about subjects that I feel that I should talk about. Also, if someone has a suggestion as to what I should write/blog about, feel free to leave a comment on this post!

Also, the more I blog the more you will get to know about me, and it might be easier to give me suggestions as to what I should write about.

21 Day Fix

Originally I was going to have a daily blog about my 21 Day Fix, and I actually did have one started, but it was on a different blogging website that's been down for at least 2.5 months now. I would steer you away from it but I figured there is no point now since they are most likely permanently shut down. I had typed out a whole template for a daily journal update for my 21 day fix, but then I realized later that it might be boring for most people since its just data and observations. So, now i'm not sure how I will structure my journey, but I will be figuring it out as I go.

I started the 21 day fix a few months ago, not sure when now. I lost a total of 9 pounds until I went to my sisters wedding, and since then I haven't really been doing the 21 day fix. I don't know how much I weigh right now, because I am afraid to even weigh my self. But I can say, that I haven't been eating crap, and the 21 day fix really did leave a lasting impact on how I choose what I eat, and the amount of water I drink daily. I am going to get started on it again as soon as I go grocery shopping. 

While I was on the 21 day fix I began to notice that my weight was consistently dropping after about 2 weeks. It was going down about 1.5 pounds per week. Things began to fit not as tight, and I could tell that I felt lighter, and it was easier to move in general. I was also walking a lot too playing Pokemon Go, but I have not in a while. My fiance and I have been very busy with moving things around in our houses and trying to get things organized for later down the road. I've also been currently changing my rug out in my larger bedroom so I can move back in. But, I guess I should make plans for a walk again. I noticed that I have to actively decide to do something, in order to make time for it. 

Oh! While on the 21 day fix I wasn't doing the exercises because I didn't have the space for it, but since i've been fixing my room I should be able to organize my room so that i'll definitely have the space for it. 

Hmm, I think blogging might help me think things out, and a lot more. 

Disclaimer: I am not paid to promote or advertise any product sold by Team Beach Body. I am a customer that has tried it out and discovered that it works.